Dangers Everywhere

I live in a very dangerous neighborhood. Well, most of the neighborhood is fine, but my house can be a living terror. Something weird about the trade winds that go through attract vicious predatory creatures from all geographic regions and (in some cases) various times in history (and pre-history). Maybe there is some sort of worm hole or two that comes right out in the middle of my family room.

Pirates regularly wander through my home. Cowboys and rustlers have their gun fights in my and around my house. There have been violent battles waged in our house. Ghosts and goblins and trolls and all kinds a scary monsters have been known to appear and usually attack random, innocent fathers who are simply minding their own businesses. Batman fights crime right in the middle of my house, and often mistakes me for some sort of super-villain. Super-fast cars and trains fly through with little regard for what middle-aged father-type figures might be wandering around and in the way. We've had plane crashes, space ship crashes, alien invasions, and rabbit attacks. A couple of times, volcanoes have erupted. All, right in the middle of my home.

I have had to fight off lions, grizzly bears, wolves, Siberian tigers, vicious man-eating crocodiles, various types of dinosaurs (some of which are much more dangerous than ones ever dug up), huge saber tooth cats, piranhas as big as small human children, sharks (yes, sharks, can you imagine a shark finding his way up to the Rocky Mountain region?), snakes of poisonous varieties, snakes that squeeze and swallow whole, fire breathing dragons, non-fire breathing dragons, wizards, undead skeletons, baseball players, mutant attack monkeys, and too many other dangerous creatures to ever list them all.

And, rarely do I have to fight off just one of any of these attackers. Almost always there are two of whatever vicious animal is attacking. There is almost always one big creature and one smaller (although just as deadly) partner.

It is a miracle that I have survived all these violent attacks. You should see the bloody scars all over my body from teeth and claws and other sharp animal body parts.... or maybe on second thought, you should not see them. They are quite disturbing.

Oh, and the most frightening thing of all is a 7-year-old giant wild boy who keeps stalking me and jumping on my back. Is it any wonder that I am so jumpy? Don't even get me started on my continuous tribulations I have with Tweedle Beatles.

Isn't it amazing that I am such a well-adjusted, normal adult?