Wednesday, May 28, 2008

JK Shepard

My brother would have been 22 today. Yesterday, I told my son that Jeremy would have been 21, but I think it is actually 22.

I wrote about Jeremy in September of 2005, around the anniversary of his death. If you do not know the story you can review it at:

I have been thinking about Jeremy today. It has been distracting me quite a bit. I have been sort of sad.

I guess at 22 he would be close to graduating from college. I still picture him as a little kid, so thinking of him about to take place in a college graduation sort of blows my mind. Last time I saw him, he was a teenager, but basically I think of him as Tyler's age. I probably always will. I am not sure if that means I will always think of him as 5 or 6 or if that means that whatever Tyler's age, that is the age I will think of Jeremy. Probably, the later. Very often I see Jeremy in Tyler. Something about some of his facial features and expressions makes me think a lot of Jeremy is in Tyler.

Sometimes that scares me. I have an unjustified fear that somehow I will lose my boy. I know there is no more reason to think something bad will happen to Tyler because he reminds me of my brother than there is for any child. But often I am more concerned about losing Tyler to some tragedy than I about Connor. As crazy as Connor is, it should be just the opposite.

Tyler asked me last night why Jeremy died. I do not have a good answer for that question. I avoided it by talking about Jeremy's heart. But the simple truth is I do no know why Jeremy died.

I guess I could go with "because God wanted Jeremy with him". But why God had to have him at 15 instead of 85 is a mystery to me. It does not really bother me that I don't understand. But, I absolutely do not understand how a seemingly healthy 15 year old kid would die. I guess it is just one of those things I will ever fully comprehend. There are a lot of those things that are beyond my comprehension. I think Jeremy's death is at the top of my list.

I am trying to think where he would have gone to college. My answer (since I can pick anywhere) is Colorado University. Somewhere in Illinois is probably more likely, but today I picture him close to my home. We probably would have seen each other quite a bit had he come to school in Colorado.

Of course now I will never know.

Well, anyway, Happy Birthday Jeremy.

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